In this article, I will provide a simple and effective solution for getting sleep with a newborn baby.
As a first-time mom of a newborn baby, sleep deprivation completely knocked me off my feet. Every person I came across during the newborn stage gave me the same advice- sleep when the baby sleeps. But what if my baby never sleeps? Or only sleeps while being held? When will I finally get the sleep that I so desperately need?
Our first baby slept in 45 minutes stretches. That was the longest that she would sleep at one time. And typically only while being held. So you could imagine that my husband and I were going a little bit crazy.
I figured that if I was having this problem, then there were other families in the world who were also wondering how to get sleep with a newborn. After a couple of weeks of having the life sucked out of me, I stumbled across this genius solution that transformed the newborn stage. If I could give a new parent any piece of advice it would be this:
Take sleep shifts at night. The best way to get sleep with a newborn is to take sleep shifts with your partner. Taking 5-hour sleep shifts at night from around 9pm-2am and 2am-7am is the best way to guarantee that both parents will get rest and will prevent sleep deprivation during the newborn stage.
It’s so simple, yet so genius.
This method is meant to be temporary for surviving with a newborn. In this article, I will also answer questions like- Why isn’t my newborn sleeping? What are the harmful effects of sleep deprivation? And why are sleep shifts better than alternative solutions?
Why won’t my newborn sleep?
I was never under the impression that having a newborn would be easy. Having our first child was one of the best things that has ever happened to me, but I didn’t realize that having a newborn would also be the most difficult time in my life.
People can give you all of the advice in the world but it’s hard to fully understand until you’ve lived it.
I remember people tossing around the term “sleep deprivation” when I was pregnant with my first baby. And I was thinking to myself like yeah okay I know, I’m gonna be sleepy. I pulled all-nighters in college, it’s not gonna be that big of a deal.
What I didn’t know is that this was going to be like pulling all-nighters… every night… for 3 months.
Newborns are unpredictable. You could have a newborn that consistently sleeps 4 hours at a time OR you could have a baby that sleeps for 45 minutes max only while being held. My first child was the latter and my second child was the former. So we really only needed to use this method with our first baby.
The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) says that the safest thing to do is put newborns to sleep on their back on a hard (not too soft), flat surface. The problem is that babies hate it. And to be honest, I don’t blame them.
Okay, but what about sleep training?
Yes, you can eventually sleep train BUT it’s usually not recommended until the baby stops eating throughout the night or until about 5 months of age.
And if you’re like me, 5 months without consistent sleep sounds like an actual living hell.
The Harmful Effects of Sleep Deprivation
I probably don’t need to convince you that you need sleep because I’m sure you’re already feelin’ it. But what you may not know is that lack of sleep can actually affect your health long term.
When I had my first baby, friends and family would ask how the baby was sleeping. I would respond by saying that she was only sleeping for 45 minutes at a time and therefore I was only sleeping for 45 minutes at a time. After they had picked their jaw up off the floor, a few people mentioned that this type of sleep deprivation was actually used as a torture tactic.
I never really researched the topic, mostly out of fear of what a Google search would return. But I bucked up and researched it for the sake of this article. It turns out that the CIA would keep detainees awake for up to 180 hours at a time, preventing them from falling asleep by spraying them in the face with water and by playing loud music.
But most of the articles I found online were from human rights activists speaking out against this torture method because it is literally TOO INHUMANE FOR TERRORISTS.
I don’t want to jump to any conclusions here… but I feel like if it’s too inhumane for terrorists then it’s also too inhumane for parents.
People aren’t upset because the CIA was causing other humans, albeit evil ones, physical discomfort for a short period of time. Rather, they believe this method is inhumane because the long-term effects that sleep deprivation can have on someone are irrevocably damaging.
Some of the possible side effects of this type of torture include:
-hallucinations
-mild paralysis
-premature heartbeat
(source)
In addition to the side effects mentioned above, sleep deprivation can harm one’s health in ways that are specific to motherhood by causing:
-postpartum depression
-postpartum anxiety
-irritability
-increased risk for accidents or injuries
(source)
I can tell you firsthand that I was one of those mothers who desperately needed sleep. My personality was completely altered by lack of sleep. I was angry, irritable, and crying all the time.
In my defense, up until this point in my life, I had thrived off of 9 hours of sleep each night. So you could imagine my shock when that was no longer an option. I needed a solution.
The Solution- Sleep Shifts
The solution? Take alternating 5-hour sleep shifts with your spouse at night. That’s it. An example of how the shifts would work is as follows:
Shift 1- 9pm-2am
Shift 2- 2am-7am
I would sleep during the 9pm- 2am shift while my husband would watch the baby in a separate room. At 11 pm or whenever the baby would get hungry, he would give her a bottle of either formula or pumped milk. At 2 am, he would come to wake me up, I would nurse the baby, and then start my shift while my husband slept.
He would watch the baby in a separate room, even if she was sleeping so that I wouldn’t wake up from her little squeaks and sounds. My husband stayed awake for the entirety of his shift because he wouldn’t wake up from the sound of the baby crying.
Although this seems difficult, it was actually a really good bonding time for him and the baby. Today he has a really close relationship with my daughter and I feel like it’s because of the amount of time they spent together when she was little. He also had the opportunity to rewatch The Office all the way through. So there’s that.
At 2 am I would start my turn to watch the baby. If she was sleeping, I would take the opportunity to sleep. I knew my husband wouldn’t wake up from her crying so there was no risk of interrupting his sleep. If I ended up getting any sleep during this time it was a bonus but not something that I was relying on.
And I know 5 hours isn’t like the best sleep ever, but at least you can be human off of 5 hours of sleep each night. For me, it was a vast improvement from the 45 minute stretches I had been getting. It also helped because I knew sleep was promised to me every night. So I didn’t have to wonder when I would get sleep next.
I think we used this method until our baby was about 3 months old. Then she started sleeping in longer stretches and was a more silent sleeper.
This method can be used as long as necessary. You could use it throughout the entire newborn stage or just refer to it if your baby is having a rough week or a sleep regression.
Sleep shifts are effective but really just meant to be temporary. The first 3 months are total survival mode. I hated going to bed at 9 pm because it was so early for me and I didn’t get to spend time with my husband. We were like ships passing in the night. However, the alternative was a crying, angry wife which made the decision a lot easier.
In short, implementing sleep shifts is a very valuable solution that can save your sanity if you’re really struggling with sleep deprivation.
Alternatives and Why They Don’t Work
There are alternatives to the sleep shift method but I’ll tell you why I think the shift method is a better option.
Alternative #1- Getting a Night Nurse
One alternative is to hire a ‘night nurse’ or a ‘night nanny’. A night nurse is a person with extensive knowledge of babies and newborn care who come to your home to take care of your baby while you sleep.
Why It Doesn’t Work
A night nurse kind of sounds like a fairy godmother, right? As it turns out, magic is expensive. Like $200-per-night expensive. This article from NBC News estimates that the average cost of a night nurse is $200-$250 per night for about 10-12 hours.
Some people are blessed enough to afford a night nurse. Other people see it as an investment, especially if both spouses are working and they need to be sharp for work. However, even people who can afford a night nurse can’t support the habit for an extended period of time. While it does offer some reprieve, you eventually end up in the same position as before. Sleep-deprived.
Also, for mothers who are breastfeeding it is difficult to sleep longer than 5 hours at a time because you get too engorged. So you would have to wake up anyway to feed the baby or to pump. So is it worth it to pay someone that much when you would probably have to wake up in 5 hours anyway? I personally don’t think so.
Alternative #2- Taking Turns Feeding at Night
The way that I imagined the newborn stage and night feedings to go is how they depict it in movies. I thought my husband and I would be asleep, cozy in our bed, and then the baby would cry from the other room and one of us would roll over and go “your turn” and then fall back asleep.
I’m not really sure why I set my expectations based on Hollywood’s storytelling, yet here we are.
Why it doesn’t work
This method doesn’t work for a number of reasons. The first reason is that it is difficult for mothers, especially first-time moms, to sleep in the same room as the baby. This is because babies are not silent sleepers. They make little squeaks and noises. Moms are never really in a deep sleep, we’re always kind of sleeping with one eye open. So any little sound from the baby can keep you awake either because you’re worried about the baby or you’re nervous that you’re going to have to get up in a second anyway.
Also, I don’t know how to explain it but maybe you’ll know what I’m talking about. I get like sleep “stage fright”. Once the baby is sleeping I know the clock is ticking. Then the pressure is ON to fall asleep but that makes me even more anxious and then my mind refuses to let me sleep.
But the main reason is that MEN DO NOT WAKE UP FROM THE SOUND OF A CRYING BABY.
There could be a room full of crying babies and my husband would be in the corner sleeping like an angel. Maybe there is a unicorn husband somewhere that does wake up from the sound of a crying baby, but there is no such husband in our house. This means that when the baby is crying, the mother is going to wake up anyway. She then has to shake her husband awake and somehow compel him to feed the baby. So with this method, the mom is awake anyway and isn’t getting uninterrupted sleep.
Alternative #3- Lose all hope, crash and burn.
Just kidding.
You don’t have to be that mom sitting in her car outside of Trader Joe’s, staring into the void. You CAN get sleep with a newborn. Let me know if you try out this method. And please pass this tip on to your friends. Moms don’t let other moms lose sleep!
